Love Lives On
by imjustwriting
Summary: Her voice is sweet and soft and innocent, and I fall in love with her even more in that moment if it is even possible.
1. Chapter 1

I haven't written on here in a really long time, but the song that inspired this and the idea behind it has been stuck in my head for days. I had to get it out. I know the beginning may seem a bit confusing, but if you listen to the song, 'Love Lives On' by Mallory Hope, you'll definitely be able to understand this better. One-shot for now. Who knows.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, it's characters, writers, cast or crew.

Enjoy.

**XXXXXXXX**

Another morning awake before the alarm.

Another night of restless sleep.

Another batch of tear stains on my pillowcase.

I turn to my left. The red numbers from the clock read way too early and even though I know better my arm reaches out to the cold, undisturbed sheets next to me. I swallow the large lump in my throat, feel my chest tighten with the painful reminder that the space is empty again. Empty still. It will be that way for a while, but I can't let my mind hold onto that thought for too long. If I do, I won't leave the bed.

**XXXXXXXX**

The sound of bare feet smacking against the hardwood of the hallway stirs me from dozing off. The bedroom door is pushed open a moment later and there she is, standing with a smirk that marvels mine and bright emerald eyes that gleam with mischief.

She's up to something. Or she has already done it.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

The sing-song tone of her voice gives her away. I notice her smirk deepen in the slightest. I pull my legs out from underneath the blankets I am wrapped up in, and swing them over the side of the bed, forcing myself to stand.

"I don't believe you," I tell her.

She sticks her tongue out at me, but grabs tight to my hand as I approach her and leads me out to the too quiet kitchen.

The step stool has been pulled out and rests on the floor next to the refrigerator. Cabinet doors are left open. A small pool of spilled milk rests on top of the granite. And even though these little things would normally make my obsessive compulsive self cringe, I cannot help the smile that forms on my face when I see the large bowl of our favorite cereal with two spoons on either side.

I nod at her and then in the direction of the cabinetry.

"Couldn't reach that top shelf, huh?"

She lets out a giggle, that laugh I fell in love with the first time I heard it, and perches herself on a chair in front of the breakfast she has prepared.

"I could never reach that dang shelf! Sorry for the mess. I will clean it. And I know you pour the coffee. You always do."

I can only nod in reply. That tightness in my chest returning.

I make my way to the coffee pot that is hot and full; thank goodness for timers. I reach for the two mugs that are in their usual spot. I pour my cup quickly and start on the next.

"Black, no sugar. As usual," I whisper to myself.

She doesn't hear me through the crunching of cereal in her mouth. But when I catch her eye, I wink at her and a dimpled grin appears on her cheeks.

I place the two mugs of delight in front of the cereal bowl, then grab her some orange juice and take a seat next to her. We share the cereal until it is gone and she ignores the milk at the bottom of the bowl to finish her orange juice. She thinks I don't notice her reach for the cup of black coffee sitting next to mine.

"Not today, missy," I tell her.

She immediately looks at me with a perplexed pout on her face.

"Don't look at me like that. You know the rules."

"It's not fair!"

I raise an eyebrow at her, amused.

"Life isn't fair. Now come on, we've gotta leave soon for the district."

"But-"

"No coffee for you. You can smell it. That's bad enough."

"Can I just have a little, please?"

Her pouty lips make me feel guilty for a second. She knows she's not allowed to have any, but the smell excites her and I just haven't been able to break the habit of pouring that second cup every morning. At least not yet.

I shake my head, "You know you can't."

She lets out a dramatic sigh and I shake my head again this time with a small smile. She always was a bit of a diva.

"Fine," she says with another sigh.

I put our dishes in the sink and steal a glance at her; arms crossed in front of her chest and staring at me with those emerald beauties. She looks as though she wants to say something, so I wait until she does.

"Maybe one day?"

My heart stops, I swear.

Her voice is sweet and soft and innocent, and I fall in love with her even more in that moment if it is even possible.

The only answer I can muster up is the one word I remember all too well from a long time ago, but not that long at all.

"Definitely."


	2. Chapter 2

Hello lovelies. You can thank my pal Carleystan for this second installment of Love Lives On. If you don't know who she is, I highly recommend going to her profile and reading her stuff. She is brilliant and convinced me to write this addition, so I hope you enjoy it. Drop a line and let me know what you think.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

We reach the district only fifteen minutes behind schedule. My little diva doesn't wait for me as she runs ahead up the steps of District 21. Dark shades of blonde curls bouncing on her shoulders.

I follow after her with a small smile on my face and feel the wind pick up around me, making my own darker waves do a dance of their own. I pull the jacket just a smidge tighter around my small waist and make my way inside. A chill runs up my spine as the warmth of the building sinks through my skin to my bones.

I only have to search a moment before I see her sitting on the counter. Her legs are swinging beneath her and she's having an animated conversation with Sargent Platt who is, of course, hanging onto every word dripping from my diva's mouth.

I catch Platt's eye and she throws me a nod and small smile before turning her attention back to my daughter. Completely smitten with her. As is everyone.

"How's it going Sarg?" I ask upon reaching the front desk.

"As good as can be expected. Didn't think I would see you ladies today."

I shrug my shoulders then nod towards my kid who is preoccupied with Platt's badge pinned to the woman's uniform.

"Sundays are grandpa days. He asked me to meet him here."

Platt nods, staying silent with a questioning look on her face.

"What?"

She hesitates, but soon speaks.

"How ya been, Erin?"

I breathe in deep, then sigh it out slow. The only formidable response I can muster are Trudy's own words.

"As good as can be expected."

I offer a smile, but know it's not convincing enough because only seconds pass until I feel myself being pulled into a hug by the older woman.

She reminds me of Camille in a way and it takes every ounce of strength I have within me not to lose myself right there.

"You're one of the strongest women I know. And damn good police to boot. You'll be okay. Both of you."

I swallow the lump and hold back the tears for the second time today.

I only nod. It is all I can do.

She releases me then gives a small pat to my cheek before returning to her spot behind the desk.

"Alright, Jessie dear. Time to go see gramps. I'll see you soon, okay?"

I feel a smile on my face then; as tough as Platt is, it is a shame she never had children of her own because she would have been a great mom.

Platt kisses my daughter's cheek then sets her on the floor.

"Mmkay, Aunt Trudy. See ya!"

Then her little legs are moving and she is ahead of me again up the stairs to the bullpen.

"I'll see ya, Sarg."

I give a quick nod towards her then make my way to the stairs.

My girl looks annoyed having to wait for me at the gate. I scan my prints and enter the access code, pull the door open and she's off yet again.

By the time I get to the pen she is already in Hank's arms wrapping him tighter around each of her fingers.

He notices me immediately and meets me in the middle of the room. With Jessie in one arm, he wraps his other around me and squeezes me tight.

"Hey, kid."

"Hi, dad," I greet him with a quiet tone and kiss his cheek before breaking free from his embrace.

"How ya doing?"

He always asks me.

And I always reply, "Fine."

He nods slowly, unbelieving, not saying a word. He has always been able to read me so easy, him and –

No.

By this point Jessie as scampered off to her Uncle Tony in the break room. No doubt he is telling her stupid jokes that aren't even funny, but I will muster a laugh regardless when she attempts to retell them later tonight.

I turn my attention back to the man in front of me. Hair short and grey, his posture still strong and arms now crossed.

"So, when did you start working Sundays old man? I was surprised when you asked me to come here instead of the house."

"Just some additional paperwork. Wanted to get it done before the coming holiday break."

I nod in understanding and appreciation as well. With all I've had going on, Hank and the rest of the team have really done me solid by picking up the slack I've been dropping.

"I'm sorry I've been so-"

"Don't. You don't need to apologize. You've been through a lot recently. You both have."

I glance down to my feet, not able to look him in the eyes, but of course he doesn't allow that. He takes a step toward me and reaches out a hand, places a finger under my chin and forces me to lo look at him.

"We're your family. Don't shut us out."

As soon as the words leave Hank's mouth, all I can think of is **_him_.**

"I miss him."

The tears I've been holding in all day finally take descent down my cheeks and I can't stop them. My hands are shaking and all I want is to wake from this nightmare. If only it were that easy.

"I miss him."

I whisper again, as though if I say them enough times and say them loud enough he will appear out of nowhere.

I feel Hank's arms around me again, pulling me tight into his chest. I've never been so grateful to have Antonio minding Jessie.

"I know you do. I know." Hank keeps a tight hold on me. One hand resting in the middle of my back, the other on the back of my head. He's consoling me with whispered shushes, 'I love you, kid's', and an 'it's okay', but it's not and I only cry harder into his shirt.

I don't know how long we stand there, but a throat clearing pulls us out of our reverie and back to the present. I turn and see Antonio with Jessie on her feet at his side with one of her small hands held in his much larger one.

She looks almost scared seeing me like this and I hate myself for falling apart. I need to be stronger for her.

"Mommy?"

Her voice is all, but incoherent and had I not been looking directly at her I would not have even known she spoke. She sounds as broken and lost as I do and it rips my heart out of my chest, and makes me feel like a horrible human being. I can't let her see me like this. No. She needs stability and security, not a mess of a mom more worried about herself than her own kid.

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and force a brave face and a stupid dimpled grin.

"I'm okay baby. Are you having fun with Uncle Tony?"

She looks at me weary eyed, as if trying to decide if I'm being genuine enough. If I'm being truthful.

"You're crying."

Damn it.

"I'm alright now. You're here babe. What do ya say we take grandpa away from work and go get some ice cream?"

She still has a perplexed look on her making her appear to be adult-like rather than an almost five year old child.

A silent moment passes though the room before she walks towards me and reaches up to me. I pick her up quickly and she buries her sweet face into my neck. Her arms rest around my shoulders and her legs around my middle. Another minute passes and I hear her sniffle in my ear and I feel her hot tears on my skin.

I want to kill myself.

Another lump forms at the back of my throat, but I gulp it down and turn just slight to look at the man who has become my father.

"I think I'm just going to take her home. I'm sorry. Rain check?"

He offers a small smile and nods, "Sure, kid. I'll call you later."

"Okay," I say to him.

I smile a sad goodbye in Antonio's direction, then lock eyes with Hank once more before carrying my little girl down the steps from Intelligence, and then out of District 21.

I don't put Jessie down until I buckle her in her booster seat in the back of my car. I close her door then get in the driver's seat and buckle myself up.

I turn the key in the ignition and start the car, but before I shift into 'drive' I hear my little girl's small voice from the back seat.

"Mommy?" She sniffles again.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I miss daddy."

Fat tears fall from her eyes and I wish with everything in me I can make them stop.

So I say the only thing I think of, something to let her know she's not alone.

"I miss him, too, baby."

And except for the occasional sniffle from my girl in the backseat, it is complete silence as I drive us home.


	3. Chapter 3

I can't believe Carley has sucked me back into the FanFiction world. All the blame is on you girl. Here is chapter three. Please note, I've deviated from the song, but that doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows now. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

It's later in the day. Well past dinner time, and now past my diva's bedtime. She conked herself out after being so upset earlier as we left the district. My poor baby.

I'm thinking of bed myself when I hear a knock on the door. It's late, and only two people have keys to the building. One being my father, and the other being someone I am sure I will not be seeing any time soon.

But when I open the door I'm surprised I don't fall over.

"Jay."

It's all I can say as I stare up at him. Blue eyes glazed over – he's either been drinking or crying or both. Either way my hear is aching for him. He stands in his usual jeans and I see the hem of a white t-shirt peeking through from under his black hoodie overtop.

"Hi," his voice is low and raspy. I can smell the whiskey on his breath as soon as his mouth opens. I know he's not drunk though, because I still know him best, but he probably needed the liquid courage to come here tonight.

"How are you?"

One of the most stupid questions to ask and of course, I ask it.

He lets out a breath I didn't, at first, realize he was holding. He looks as broken as I feel and all I want is to reach out to him, so I do.

But as I step forward, he steps back and I know to give him the space he silently asks of me.

I can't blame him. I really fucked up.

I clear my throat, shrugging off the rejection from him and ignore the sting in my chest.

I pull the door open wider and step away from him, allowing him to enter the apartment of his own accord.

He does so seconds later and shuts the door behind him with a soft thud, mindful of the sleeping child he has to know is somewhere inside.

"You want a beer?" I offer, grabbing one for myself while glancing at him over my shoulder. I see him shake his head as I pop the cap off my bottle. I raise the bottle towards him in salute, "Suit yourself."

It is quiet only for a moment before he speaks.

"I just came to get the rest of my stuff."

He can't even look at me.

I nod at his admission. What else was I really expecting?

"Jessie is asleep in our- um, _my_ bed. She had a rough day and cried herself to sleep. Please don't wake her."

'_Especially if all you're going to do is leave again,'_ I add to myself.

He looks like I just punched him in the stomach and even though that was not my intention, I know Jessie has always been a weakness for him.

He doesn't say anything else to me at that point. Just walks past the kitchen and down the hallway to the master bedroom. His steps are quiet and careful, as if he feels out of place in the very place that was a home to him for so long.

I follow behind him a minute later, silent with my arms crossed. I stand at the door with tears already in my eyes.

He is in the closet. I can see the door ajar and the light is on. He appears moments later with a large duffel bag gripped tight in his hand. I keep my eyes on him even though I shouldn't and he finally glances at me in the doorway. A lingering look. I know he wants to say something, but he doesn't. Instead, he walks to the bathroom. He is in and out in less than a minute and he places his duffel bag on the floor by the bed.

He doesn't sit, but leans over the duvet covered mattress, over the sleeping girl beneath covers, and kisses her twice on the top of her head. She has always been a deep sleeper, though, so she doesn't stir a bit.

"Love you, Little J."

I hear his whisper to my daughter and I cannot take it anymore. I turn quick on my heel and make my back to the kitchen. I gulp down the rest of my beer on the counter and wait for him to return from the bedroom.

When he does, I notice the duffel bag strap resting over his shoulder.

We stand feet apart, silence engulfed, and I wish the floor would just open and swallow me whole.

"How's it going with Dawson?" I hear myself ask him. Anything so he doesn't leave.

But he's quick to reply, like he can't wait to get out.

"Good. He's got the spare bedroom, and Eva and Diego are always over on the weekends, so, it's good."

I only nod.

It's quiet again and I hate the tension hanging over us.

So I tell him, "She misses you. We both do."

"I miss her, too," he says this to me with his eyes down to the floor.

He doesn't look at me, and whether he means just her or me as well, I don't know. He doesn't clarify and I don't question, and as much it hurts to drop it, I do and I move on.

"She needs her daddy, Jay."

And that right there is when he finally looks at me. His head snaps up, gaze on mine, and his face now red. I can see the way his jaw locks, he's gritting his teeth, and his fists at his sides are clenched tight. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

"But I'm not her daddy. Am I, Erin? You made that quite clear."

I can see the tears in his eyes now. Those ocean eyes I love so much and I want to pull him into me and never let go.

"Jay," His name from my lips cracks the air. Tension as thick as ever. "You know I didn't mean it. I was upset and wanted to hurt you. As bad as that sounds, that's what it was and I know I was wrong. I was so wrong, and I'm sorry."

I take a hesitant step forward. I just want to touch him.

He sniffs back the tears, but doesn't move so I take another small and cautious step. Then once more until I am standing in front of him with my own tears leaving tracks down my face. No use in trying to stop them now.

I've broken this man. This beautiful man in front of me and I hate myself for it. I know I screwed up. I would take it all back, but I can't and it is the way it is. This is on me.

I raise an arm up to him, and he flinches, so scared. But I keep going and my palm meets his cheek. He doesn't pull back or push me away, and I'm grateful for it. I move my thumb, slow and gentle, over his stubble and move closer until my chest is against his own. My other hand follows suit so I now hold him in front of me. Hands on cheeks, eye to eye. He doesn't move away, but trembles under my touch.

"I am sorry," I whisper so low, but he hears because he closes his eyes and I watch the tears slip from them. They fall to his cheeks, they hit my hands. They burn my skin like acid because this is all my fault and I can't take away the pain I have caused.

"Please, come home. Come back to us."

I'm begging and that is not me, and it is pathetic, but I don't know what else to do. I just want my family back. The one I threw away.

His eyes open as my words leave my lips and for a second I think, this is it – I'll get my family back. But then he shakes his head, grabs hold of my hands and pulls them away from his face. He takes a step back. Then another, pulling further away.

His mouth opens, closes. Again and again like he's mulling over his decision and changing his mind, but then he speaks.

"I can't."

And it kills me.

My arms drop to my sides and I want to look away, but my eyes don't leave his face. He lets out a deep breath, tightens a hold on the duffle over his shoulder, and makes his way to the front door.

He doesn't say anything else. Not a goodbye or a see you later. I don't even really know when or if I'll see him again. He just walks out the front door, head down and quiet. Exactly like the last time. And I let him go again, exactly like the last time.


	4. Chapter 4

Happy Holidays to everyone celebrating. I am glad to see so many are enjoying this. Enjoy the new chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

It is Christmas Eve in Chicago, but feels like such a normal day. Bright light peeks through the curtains and I wonder if it is snowing as the forecast called for earlier in the week.

I don't want to move from my bed, but I know if I don't soon, that at any moment my girl will come running in to find me. She has loved the holiday since she was three when she realized she gets presents, and even more so since today my baby is five years old. A Christmas baby. A Christmas miracle for me.

And sure enough, not even a minute later, my bedroom door is pushed open. I lift myself to rest on my elbows just in time to see my girl jump on the bed and then on me. She sits on my stomach and twirls the necklace I am wearing around her little fingers. It's my favorite and hasn't come off since the day it was clasped on, and she loves to play with it because it's shiny. She tugs at the two rectangular tags locked on the silver ball chain and leans closer to look like she always does, but the engraved letters and their too small size make it difficult for her to read. She drops the tags, both clanking as they touch, and then drops a kiss to my cheek.

"Morning mommy!"

"Morning babe. What time is it?"

She raises a hand to her face to sweep away some hair that has fallen in front of her eyes and leans over to look at the clock on my nightstand.

"9:49," she tells me, sitting back again on my stomach and now playing with my fingers.

She's been reading since she was three, and is so smart for her age it's uncanny. Lord knows where it came from.

"And how long have you been awake missy?"

"Since eight, but I only remember the time because that's when Dora came on. One of today's special words was navidad. Do you know what that means in Spanish, mommy?"

I do, but I don't tell her that.

"What is it?"

"It means Christmas!"

Her smile is wide and genuine and that's why I let her tell me. The way her face lights up when she learns something new or does something for the first time makes all of the hurt in my heart worth every second of pain. Because I still have her.

"It does, huh?"

She nods her head, still smiling and excited.

"Yes! And you know what else?"

I have a feeling.

"What?"

"Today is my birthday, and I'm a whole hand years old!"

She holds up a hand in high-five fashion for emphasis and I can't help the grin that comes to my face.

"But I thought we were skipping your birthday this year."

"No, we are not! You cannot skip my birthday. That's just crazy talk mommy."

I laugh then, and I love her even more for it. It's been a while since a real one has escaped me, but she's one of the few lights of my life and I'd be damned if I didn't try my hardest for her. Especially today.

"I guess it is. That calls for a special breakfast today then, huh? Then we'll head over to grandpa's for presents and more food. I think he's trying to fatten us up, kid."

"It's okay. Grandpa is the better cook anyway," she eases up off me with a sly grin. I scoff at her playfully while she slides off the bed to the floor. She's almost to the door as I'm standing on my feet when she stops suddenly and turns back to face me.

"Mommy?"

Her voice is quieter now, almost as if she's afraid, and I'm a bit afraid myself at what she could possibly say, but I question it anyway.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Will I see daddy today?"

And just like that, the morning is tainted blue with heartache and I reach a hand out to her trying to hold in my tears.

"Come here babe."

She shuffles toward me and takes hold of my outstretched hand. I squeeze her little one in my bigger one and reach down to pick her up. I place her on the edge of my bed and kneel down in front of her so we are eye to eye. I look up at her with sorrow in my eyes because I know I'm about to break her heart on her birthday and ruin it all.

"You remember what I tell you? What you should always do for people?"

She nods first and then speaks, "You always tell the truth. Even if it hurts because lies hurt more."

"That's right. And I don't wanna lie to you and get you excited for something that might not happen," I pause to take a breath and swallow a lump in my throat, "I don't think you'll see him today, or tomorrow babe."

The twinkle in her eyes from minutes ago now seems like a lifetime away because her eyes become a shade darker and she looks like she will cry at any moment, but she doesn't.

She only mumbles, "But it's my birthday."

She breaks my heart with those words because I want my girl to be happy, always, and she's not and it's my fault. Another large lump gets swallowed back, and I give her little hands another squeeze as I now hold both of them in my own.

"I know it is babe. You know he's staying with Uncle Tony right? He's not far."

She nods, and drops one of my hands, moving it to hold my necklace again. She knows who it once belonged to and one day it will most likely be hers.

"When we saw grandpa, Uncle Tony told me it's like a sleepover, but why doesn't daddy sleep here with us?"

I don't want to tell her it's because of me because then she'll get sassy and tell me to fix it, and I've tried and I can't.

"He's just going through some stuff right now and I think Uncle Tony is trying to help him."

She looks satisfied with my explanation, but not by much so I stand, taking her with me, and place her on my hip.

"How about that breakfast?"

She drops my necklace and looks up at me, "Pancakes?"

I smile, "Only the best for the best."

I kiss her forehead and carry her to the kitchen, intent on making this a good day for her despite the shit storm I've created.

**XXX**

By the time we have finished breakfast, cleaned up, and are dressed to go to Voight's it is nearing five o'clock in the early evening. We ended up sitting in front of the television with our pancakes and watched A Christmas Story. God only knows how it's one of Jessie's favorites - I think it's annoying. Twenty four hours of the same movie? But I suck it up, and watch it twice for her.

I've just pulled up in front of the house I practically grew up in. Granted I was only fifteen, but this house is home and it always will be.

It's just after 5:30 and the diva is eager to get out of the car. I don't blame her. Her grandfather really is the best cook, I admit, and he usually gives great presents on top of being one of her favorite people in the world.

I unbuckle her from her booster seat and place her on the ground. She is dressed in some kid's Uggs pulled over jeans and a dark green sweater with a reindeer on the front, a heavy jacket on over that to shield her from the bitter Chicago wind. She is as adorable as ever, especially when she tip toes over a small patch of ice to avoid a pile of snow.

"Ya good babe?"

She's always been independent and I don't want to take that from her.

I see the nod come slow as she makes it across the ice and then she grabs hold of my hand as we walk up the porch steps together.

I lift her up quick to let her ring the doorbell even though I have a key, and within moments the door is swinging open and there stands Hank.

"Grandpa!

She is so excited and I can't help, but smile, especially when he greets her with the same enthusiasm.

"Jessie!"

He picks her up and squeezes her tight before placing her back on her feet, "Happy birthday, munchkin."

Jessie runs off down the hall to the kitchen, but yells back, "Thanks, gramps!"

I hear a man's voice from the back, Alvin it sounds, and I know my diva is fine. Then I hear smaller voices and my forehead crinkles.

I turn towards my father with a slight raise to my eyebrows, but he's already coming at me with arms open and pulls me into him.

"Hey, kid."

"Hi, dad," I hug him back and then we release one another, "Is that Diego and Eva I hear?"

He sighs, "It is. They came with Dawson. Probably playing with Jess now. Lexie is back there too, with Al and Meredith. Just waiting on the rest of the team. Should be here soon."

I bite my lip. I want to disappear.

"So that means he'll be here?"

Hank breathes in deep and exhales. I can see it on his face he's choosing his words carefully.

"He's still family, Erin. I can't not invite him. We're all still family regardless of the stuff that happens between you two. I told you that from the beginning. Everyone has made their choices, whether good or bad. The beds are made; it's time to lie in 'em."

I force back tears and only nod at his words because I know he's right.

"Come on. Beer's in the kitchen, kid," he drapes an arm over my shoulder and guides me to the kitchen.

When we enter I immediately see Jessie playing some card game with Diego, Eva, and Lexie. Alvin is standing by the island, a glass of what appears to be scotch in one hand and his other arm around Meredith's, his wife, shoulder. She's got a glass of red wine and Antonio is across from them drinking from a bottle of beer.

They all greet me with smiles, but I quickly take note of the strain on Antonio's end and I know what it stems from; he's worried. About me. About Jay. About Jessie. About all of us. He's always been a great friend and I can tell it is beginning to take a toll of sorts on him – he doesn't know which side to choose even though there really aren't any. I fucked up. Plain and simple. I was wrong, not Jay.

It's all small talk for thirty minutes or so, and for some reason I feel so out of place. These people are my family, but I just want to go back home and cuddle under covers with my favorite girl and watch that stupid Christmas movie as many times as she wants.

I hear the doorbell and my head snaps to the entryway of the kitchen as Voight excuses himself to answer the door. Thankfully it's only Trudy and her boyfriend from the firehouse.

Damn, I can never remember his name. Mouch? Yeah, that's it.

They greet me with warm smiles and Platt hugs me as well.

Minutes pass and the sound of the bell rings again, and Voight is gone to answer it. I hear Adam's footsteps first, he's always been loud, and then come the clack of heels; Kim no doubt. I hear Nadia's unmistakable laugh, and then _his_ follows and I smell him before I see him. The smell of his aftershave makes my heart skip and I want to die.

The five adults enter the kitchen, Voight at the helm, but all I hear is my daughter.

"Daddy!"

I turn and Jessie is already running full force towards him. I watch him catch her easily as she jumps at him and he squeezes her to him tight. He blows a raspberry on her ear and she giggles the most delicious laugh, and then he's kissing her cheek and looking right at her.

"Mommy said I might not see you today."

At least I didn't lie to her.

He looks like she's just spoken a foreign language to him and the charmer that he is plays it off so smooth, "But it's your birthday!"

My girl lets out a dramatic sigh and gives a shrug of her shoulders, "That's what I said."

"I couldn't miss my favorite girl's birthday, could I?"

I see her eyes bug out and she shakes her head from side to side hurriedly, not even entertaining the idea.

She leans forward and kisses his nose, and it's such a sweet moment I feel as though I am intruding just by witnessing it with my own eyes.

"I missed you," I hear her tell him while I play with a loose string of fabric on my jeans.

And I hear him smooch her again, "I missed you, too Little J."

My heart aches in the most wonderful and horrible of ways.

I definitely need a beer.

**XXX**

It's only been two hours, but it feels like a lifetime and I find myself thinking of excuses to leave, but none of them are good enough and everyone would know why I was leaving so quick and sudden. I can't tell you how many drinks I've knocked back, but between the beer and whiskey, I've got a good buzz going and I don't hesitate in opening up another bottle of brew.

Jessie hasn't left Jay's side, not that I blame her. If things were normal like way back when I wasn't an idiot I'd be sitting on Jay's knee, Jessie would be curled into his side already passed out and I'd be the happiest woman in the world. My girl is most definitely about to pass out, and she is wrapped around him, but I'm not on his knee and I wish I was more than anything.

I chance a glance at him and it's like radar, or fate, or something stupid because our eyes meet. But as quick as they do, it drops and he's back in the conversation with Ruzek about some playoff football game from a week ago. I see him tighten his hold on Jessie; she's all, but asleep. Cake and presents wore her out, but she's smiled so much today that any tension is worth it because I love her more than anything.

A throat clears and I look up to see Kim standing in front of me with a smile on her face.

"Hi," I smile back. Despite the bad stuff, she has always been a good friend.

"Hey," she sips from her wine glass and nods towards the empty front living room, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," I go to follow her out of the kitchen, but not before turning back to Jessie.

She's still asleep, but in Jay's lap now. He's got his arms around her and her head is on his shoulder while he rubs her back to keep her passed out. I meet his eyes for a moment and it's as though we have an entire conversation without words. We've always known each other so well, but this only further proves it. I nod in Kim's direction and he nods back in understanding, and I mouth the words thank-you to him and just like that he's back to talking to Ruzek.

I ignore the pain still lingering inside of me and meet up with Kim at the front of the house. She offers me another smile before pulling me in for a brief hug.

"How have you been, Lindsay?"

"As good as a girl can be doing after ruining one of the best things to ever happen to her. You?"

She snickers at my answer, but then gets serious on me. "I've been worrying nonstop about you and Jay. You are miserable, he is miserable. Why can't you guys just be miserable together?"

I give her a small smile at her attempt to make me feel better, but it honestly only makes me feel worse.

"Maybe because he hates me."

Kim rolls her eyes at me, "That man could never hate you."

"You could have fooled me. He hasn't said one word to me all night and the only acknowledgement he did give me was in reference to Jess, and that was about two minutes ago when I left the room to come in here with you."

"Maybe he just needs more time then," she says to me.

"It's been months and he still won't talk to me, Kim. He came over last night to get the rest of his stuff. It's over. It's as if he doesn't care anymore."

"Can you blame him?"

I want to say of course I don't blame him, I blame me! But before I can say anything she speaks again.

"Look, I'm not placing fault on anyone here. We all know Jay was kind of pushy about you guys, and I'm certainly not taking sides, but you really hurt him, Erin."

Like I don't already know this. I've been living with the guilt for the past three months and still don't know what to do to try and fix this mess I've caused. I'm trying to give him his space to let him heal, but it's hard when we still work together so closely, not to mention the five year old asleep in the other room that calls him daddy.

"I know I did," is my quiet response.

I breathe in and deeply sigh. I feel so lost and confused and still so angry at myself.

I drink the rest of my beer I took from the kitchen and run a hand through my loose waves.

"What do I do?" I look at Kim with pleading eyes and ask again, "What the hell do I do?"

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as if contemplating, but she replies, "I don't know. Maybe some space between you will be good. And once he leaves Intelligence it could be easier for him-"

Wait. What?

"What did you just say?"

She looks as confused as I do.

"What do you mean once he leaves Intelligence?"

She sucks in a breath, "Oh. You didn't know about that. Um, I uh…"

"Burgess."

"I thought you knew. I thought Voight would have told you."

"Told me what?"

She hesitates, "Jay put in for a transfer to homicide at District 21. He requested out of the Intelligence Unit."

**XXX**

I'm beyond buzzed, and on my way to drunk and I know there is no way in hell I'm driving me or my daughter home.

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room. I know Voight is still there because it's his house and I'm pretty sure I hear Jay's voice, but I don't see Jessie and it freaks me out.

"Where's Jess?" I call out to anyone, and I'm quite surprised when I hear his voice in front of me.

"She's already in your car. Come on, I'm taking you both home," he tells me with such a stern tone I feel as though I am fifteen again and being scolded by Voight for sneaking in past curfew.

"They can just stay here," I hear Hank's voice now.

It's then I realize my eyes are closed, but when I open them, things are hazy and the room is spinning on an angle. I close them again feeling the need to vomit, but hold back.

"Can't. Presents at my house. Jess will be heartbroken, and she needs pajamas," I mumble.

I hear Jay again, this time closer, "Come on, Erin."

I feel his hands on me, fingers grasping my shoulder with gentle force and I don't want him to ever let go. He pulls me from my spot on the couch and leads me somewhere. Probably the front door.

"Love you kids, be careful," Hank's voice is behind me, and then he says to Jay, "Shoot me a text when you get there, yeah?"

Jay is quick to respond, "You got it. We'll see ya later."

Then we're walking again and everything hurts. My brain is rattling like an annoying baby toy and my skin feels on fire. Whether that is from the alcohol in my bloodstream or the hands touching me, I do not know, but I'd bet money on the latter.

**XXX**

My eyes stay closed the entire car ride and I'm sure I must have passed out because when I wake up I feel a bit better than before and we're parked in front of my apartment.

"Stay in the car. I'll take her up and come back for you," I hear Jay's whispered voice and turn in its direction. He's pulling Jessie out of the backseat and kicks the door closed before making his way up the steps and inside the building.

However long he takes, I do not know, but he keeps his word because he's back and unbuckling me from the passenger seat. I don't want to walk anymore, all I want is my bed and sleep, and he must know that because before I realize what is happening I'm in his arms like a bride and my face is in his shirt trying to block out the cold. God bless him, because I know the elevator is still broken and this wonderful man is about to carry me up three flights of stairs. I don't deserve him in the slightest.

He doesn't put me down until we're in the bedroom of my apartment and I've never felt more sober than I do right now. He lays me on the bed, pulls my boots from my feet and my jeans from my legs. I'm laid bare in only my undies. He pulls the sweater up my arms and over my head. He grabs a t-shirt from somewhere and slips it on over my bra.

He doesn't say a word, but I notice his eyes cast downward for a split second and when I follow his line of vision my eyes land on the necklace wrapped around me. I lift my gaze back up at him and nearly lose my breath as he reaches forward and takes hold of his dog tag necklace in the large palm of his hand and just stares at it.

The back of his hand brushes against the skin of my collarbone as he does this and I shut my eyes for a second to take it all in. He stares at it in his hand with a mixed look of contentment and regret on his face. This moment is killing me and I want more. I miss him. His scent is warm and inviting. He reminds me of Christmas, only all year round. The lingering scent of cinnamon gum on his breath, the rush of heat just from the tips of his fingers or the back of his hand. His aftershave is toxic, all old spice and something that is distinctly Jay Halstead.

"I never take it off," I tell him, my voice hushed and careful.

He looks at me then, eye to eye. The closeness reminds me of yesterday and I want to reach out to him like before, but I think twice this time and decide against it. And before I can say anything else, he's dropped the necklace that was once his and his eyes are anywhere except on me. He's up from the bed in seconds and he leaves the room.

Moments later, he returns. I see a bottle of water in one hand and a pill bottle in the other. He places both on the nightstand and tucks me in under covers.

And he thinks he is quick, but I'm still quicker, and all I want right now is him with me. I grab his hand before he can walk away and it's like fire shooting through my veins when my skin meets his again.

He looks down at my hand on his and then glances at me.

I'm looking right at him and he's looking through me, and I say, "Please stay. Don't go."

I'm begging again, but I don't care that I seem desperate or pathetic. I just don't give a damn.

The room is dark, but I can still see him and that's all I care about. I hear him breathing heavily and thinking too hard and then he speaks and it's like a knife to my chest all over again.

"You should sleep."

It's all he says and it takes all I have to not break down from another of his rejections.

"Please stay with me," I plead again. The tears are forming in the corners of my eyes and at any moment I'm sure they'll fall.

He's fighting it. He's fighting me. I can tell. Minutes seem to pass by like hours until he finally relinquishes some control, but not all of it.

"Until you're asleep."

"Okay," I say, a little too quickly.

He pulls his hand from mine and gets in the empty side of the bed. I turn to face him as he settles beneath the blanket, but stays above the sheets; he always was a gentleman. I just trudge an inch closer and grab hold of his hand again.

"Just until you fall asleep," he reminds me, his voice is rigid and his hand freezes in place as I hold it in mine.

"Okay," I mumble.

Because it's not everything I want, but it's something small, and it's all I need. It's a start and I'll take it.


	5. Chapter 5

Here is another chapter. Don't worry lovely readers, all will be revealed shortly. Just be patient. I apologize for any typos/errors. I am exhausted, but wanted to get this out. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

Morning comes quick and I wake easily. The previous night's sleep is the best I have had in months and I know exactly why the moment I open my eyes. I smile, but it disappears when I turn in bed and the other side is in disarray, but empty next to me.

I sigh.

But then I remember it is Christmas morning and I have to put on a brave face for the girl I love. I look at the clock on the nightstand, it's a little after eight in the morning. I have to get up. I need coffee. I need my little girl.

I pull myself out of the bed and realize I'm not wearing pants, so I quickly grab some shorts and slip them on. I pull my hair up in a ponytail and leave the bedroom to find my daughter. I wonder why she hasn't come to wake me up yet when she knows there are presents waiting for her.

I head down the hallway to her bedroom and peek in expecting to see her asleep in bed if she hasn't woken me, but she is nowhere in sight.

With furrowed brows I continue back down the hallway to the living room and stop dead.

I see my girl lying on top of Jay on the couch. They're both still asleep, one of Jay's arms hanging off the side and the other is draped across my girl's back holding her close. The Christmas tree is still lit and there is a blanket thrown over my girl and I smile wide at the scene as a pang of sadness hits my chest.

I leave them for the time being, and make my way to the kitchen. The coffee is already in the glass pot and steaming, and I wonder how because I definitely didn't set the timer the night before. I turn halfway to the living room at the sleeping duo, and smile before pouring myself a cup of hot caffeine.

I lean against the island top, facing the living room and sip from the mug in my hands. I can't help, but to think over the events of the last twenty four hours. My head hurts from the night before, and I know it is due to my alcohol consumption, but I'm sure it is also due to my emotions than anything else. I can't help the smile that I bare though, as things come back to me.

He lay in the bed with me. He let me hold his hand. He set the timer. He stayed.

_He stayed. _

I smile wider. That has to mean something right?

I'm pulled from my thoughts suddenly when I notice my girl is beginning to stir. I set the mug down on the counter and get to her before she can wake Jay. She lifts her head and I see her wild hair. Her sleepy eyes make me smile again. She yawns and I reach down to lift her off of the man still asleep beneath her. She wraps her arms around me, legs dangling lifelessly like she's sleeping again, and she cuddles into my neck. I can feel her breath against my skin as I carry her to the kitchen and I set her in one of the chairs at the island.

I have to hold back a laugh when she lays her arms on the counter in front of her and drops her head on top of them. I lean down and kiss the top of her head.

"Merry Christmas baby," I whisper.

She mumbles back, "Merry Christmas."

I snicker this time when she doesn't even move and ask, "You want breakfast or a pillow?"

She lifts her head then and moves the hair out of her eyes. "Not funny mommy. Cereal please."

I smile and kiss her head once more and turn to get a bowl of her favorite cereal ready and pour her some orange juice.

It's silent for a bit except for the crunching of cereal. When she finishes scooping lucky charms into her mouth, I down the rest of my coffee. She slurps the milk from the bottom of the bowl and sets it down in front of her.

"Daddy slept here last night," she suddenly says after taking a sip of her juice.

"I know, I saw. When did you move to the couch?"

"When I had to go potty. He was watching T.V. on the sofa so I went and laid with him after."

I nod in acknowledgement and she finishes her juice.

"You want some more OJ?" I ask her.

She shakes her head, "Can I wake daddy up?"

I shake my own head at her, "Let him sleep a bit longer. You wanna open some presents?"

"No, I wanna wait for daddy."

I give her a small smile, "Okay, babe."

**XXX**

He stays asleep for another hour or so. Jessie is sitting next to me, cuddled into my side on the other sofa and the television is on – a stupid freaking Christmas story again – and she loves it as usual. When Jay begins to stir from his slumber Jessie is up and gone in seconds and climbs up on top of him. She's sitting on his stomach, elbows bent, and her hands cradling her face. I see Jay's eyes blink open and my girl's face lights up like the Christmas tree.

"Morning daddy!"

His arms move to her head and he holds her steady as he sits up, and sets her on his lap facing him.

"Morning baby. Merry Christmas," he leans forward and kisses her forehead.

"Merry Christmas!" Jessie is so excited and happy, and even though he hasn't looked at me yet or acknowledged me at all, her happiness means everything.

He glances towards the tree, "You didn't open any presents yet?"

Jessie shakes her head and I remain silent, "No, mommy said I couldn't wake you up and I wanted to wait for you."

"Ah, okay. Well, then. Should we dig in? You're impatient like your mother, so I know you're ready to go."

"I am not impatient," I hear myself say while looking at him. He shoots me a look with raised eyebrows as if to say, 'Yeah, right.'

"Maybe a little," I mutter.

He laughs then, and I don't know how.

I don't know how he is able to act so calm when things are so far from being okay. He looks relaxed, Jessie is now digging through presents – wrapping paper is flying, and I feel a smile at the corner of my lips. This feels normal. This feels right. It's all I want, but I know it won't last.

**XXX**

It is past noon now. Jessie is on the floor of the living room, and I'm washing dishes from lunch. I see Jay move off of the couch out of the corner of my eye. He's walking towards me.

I look at him, and he forces a smile.

"I should get going," he speaks in a quiet tone so Jessie doesn't hear.

I knew it wouldn't last, but I nod in understanding.

"Yeah, okay. Thank you for staying last night."

"I stayed for Jess," he says to me while looking me in the eyes.

A knife to my heart, but I knew it was coming, so I just nod again and ignore the ache in my chest.

"Still, thank you. I know it wasn't easy."

He doesn't say anything else just turns and walks back towards my girl.

"Hey, babe," I hear him say to her.

I stand in the kitchen and watch him kneel down on one knee in front of her and I bite my lip.

"I have to get going, so come and give me a hug goodbye."

The look she makes on her face breaks my heart all over.

"What do you mean?" She's standing in front of him, her little hands resting on his shoulders and she's looking him dead in the eye, blue on blue.

"I have to go back to Uncle Tony's," he tells her.

She looks even more confused. "Why?"

"Because that's where I'm staying until I find a new house, silly."

I can tell he is trying to play it off, but she's not stupid and he knows this.

"But this is your house. You live here."

"I have to find a new house, baby."

"Why?"

"Because I do," he says.

All I can do is bite my lip harder. I stand by the island, arms crossed, watching this disaster unfold.

And then Jessie says, "But daddies should stay with the mommies and the babies. You don't wanna stay with me?"

There is no way my girl is letting him off the hook so easy and I want to high-five her for the sass she is delivering, but I know he's not going to give in. Not on this. Not with me here.

"Of course I want to stay with you, but I just can't."

"Please stay, daddy. I miss you when you're not here," she pleads with him and then she whispers in his face, "Mommy misses you too."

I drop my head and close my eyes. Why did I have to fuck everything up? I swear I'm about to cry at any second and then he speaks in a whisper, but it is loud enough that I can hear and I don't know what to do with myself.

"I miss you guys, too."

"Then stay with us," she says to him like it is the most obvious solution in the universe.

He looks like he's fighting himself again, and as much as I want to believe he might give in and stay with us for a while, I know he's not going to.

"I can't stay, Jess. Besides, my stuff is at Uncle Tony's house kiddo."

Cop out.

Then she whispers so low I barely hear her and from where I'm standing I can see the tears in her eyes. "It's Christmas, daddy."

He is breaking her heart and I want to kill him.

"I know, but I have to go baby. I'll see you soon. And I'll have a room set up just for you and you can stay over whenever you want, okay?"

She doesn't look satisfied with that at all, but she nods her head and replies, "Okay." And then her little arms go around his neck and squeezes him tight, almost afraid to let go and I don't blame her.

When she pulls away she kisses his nose, "Love you daddy."

"I love you too, Little J."

His voice sounds as broken as hers, but that's that and nothing more is said of the topic at hand. She goes back to her new toys on the floor and he rises to his feet. I hear him let out a sigh as he stands straight and walks to the island to grab his jacket from the back of a chair. He slips it on and doesn't say anything to me, not that I honestly thought he would. He begins to make his way to the door to leave when suddenly Jessie jumps up from the floor and runs toward him.

"Daddy wait!"

He stops and turns, and kneels down again so he is eye level. "What is it babe?"

"I forgot something. Don't leave yet. I'll be right back."

Then she's gone again, in the direction of her bedroom and it's just the two of us. He is standing once more, hands in his pocket and he's rocking on his heels. He seems so uncomfortable. I look at his face. I see he has his own tears in his eyes and I feel for him because I know this isn't what he wants and he hates making her sad.

"I'm sorry, Jay." He's heard those words before, but I say them anyway because I don't know what else I can say at this point.

He turns to look at me and sighs deep, "You have to tell her, Erin."

My eyes widen at his statement, and I'm sure he can't mean what I think he means.

"What are you talking about?"

Defiance in his eyes, he moves to stand right in front of me, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to tell her the truth."

His voice is low, but clear and I'm sure he has lost his mind.

"Are you crazy?"

"What I am is sick and tired of hurting that little girl and making her sad all of the damn time."

I shake my head at him, "Jay, it'll destroy her."

"It's already destroying her, Erin. This isn't her fault, but she deserves the truth. You owe her that much after everything that's happened."

"And you don't think I know that? You don't think I've spent the last three months beating myself up over what happened and the things I said and the things I didn't say? You think this is easy for me? You think it's easy to listen to my daughter cry herself to sleep and try to console her because she misses you so damn much? You think it's easy to hear her voice break every time she asks where you are and why you're not here with her?"

"I don't know what to think because you said no!"

"Jay-"

"You said no, Erin. You said no to everything. Said you couldn't do it. You said no to me being her father. You said no to me. You said no to our family. You are the one that threw it all away. So don't stand here trying to make me out to be the bad guy when all I ever did was love you and that little girl."

I know he's right. About all of it. I was stupid and I said no when I should have said yes, but that doesn't mean his words don't hurt regardless of the truth that lies within them. But now I'm as angry as he is.

"You want me to tell a five year old little girl that the man she has known all her life as her daddy isn't her daddy?" I raise an arm and point in the direction of Jessie's bedroom, "Go tell her your fucking self."

His head drops and his eyes close and I know there is no way he is going to say a word to her. Clearly he wasn't expecting my reaction, and I know it's a low blow to say what I did, but how can he ask me to do that to her?

His arms are bent at the elbow now, hands on his hips looking like he's about to start pacing at any moment. The wheels are turning in his head and I know he's contemplating what he's about to do next. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip then takes it between his teeth. He shakes his head slowly, definitively.

I scoff. I still know him so well it's scary.

"That's what I thought," I tell him.

He turns for the door then, but calls back, "Tell Jess I love her."

He opens the door and leaves, closing it with a soft thud behind him. I turn to face the counter, hands resting in front of me on the edge, holding myself up. I take a deep breath and exhale with my eyes closed. I don't know how long I stand there, but I hear little footsteps and I turn around to see my girl running at me with a large piece of paper in her hands.

She's looking around; I know she's looking for him. "Where's daddy?"

I give her a sympathetic, yet sad smile, "He left, baby."

"What?"

"He left, Jessie."

Tears fill her eyes so fast and I'm in front of her on my knees with my arms around her just as they begin to fall.

"He didn't get his picture," she cries into my neck.

I pull back from her and that's when I notice the paper in her hands that she ran out with is covered in a crayon creation. There's a Christmas tree in the corner with presents underneath and three figures standing side by side with 'Merry Christmas' written at the top.

"Daddy, Jessie, and Mommy," I read aloud as I look at what she's drawn for Jay, and what he has left behind. I look back at my daughter who is still crying and pull her into my arms again.

"Does daddy still love me mommy?" I hear her ask me.

"Of course he still loves you, baby," I try to assure her.

"But why doesn't he wanna be with me anymore? Did I do something to make him mad?"

My heart is shattered. Jay was right. This is already destroying her.

"Daddy's not mad at you. He's mad at me. I'm sorry baby," I kiss the side of her head and stand with her in my arms to take her to the couch.

She's still crying as I pull her into my side and I turn the television on to that stupid movie. I hold her close and kiss her hair and her face, and console her as she cries herself to sleep once again.


	6. Chapter 6

Another chapter for you lovely readers and kudos to Carley because I would be lost without you. Enjoy the chapter, folks.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

I'm awoken some time later to the small voice of my girl and her shaking my shoulder.

"Mommy."

She shakes me again, "Mommy, someone is at the door."

I stretch out on the couch we've fallen asleep on and turn to face my girl. I hear the knocking she is referring to and pull myself up. She takes my spot on the couch as I walk to the door, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I do so. Another knock begins to sound just as I reach the handle.

The door is swung open and I'm quickly pulled into a hug, "Merry Christmas, kid."

I smile and hug him back, "Merry Christmas, dad."

He gives another squeeze then releases me, "You look like you just woke up."

"Yeah, we were up earlier, but watched a movie and fell asleep again."

He nods and picks up the bag at his feet that I had not noticed before. I open the door a bit wider for him to enter and close it behind him when he does.

Jessie is still on the couch, not even acknowledging her grandpa and I know it's only because she is still upset from Jay leaving earlier. Hank pays it no mind though and walks right over to the couch and sits down beside her. I make my way to the other to sit across from them.

"Hey, munchkin," he greets my girl with a smile.

She looks up at him, but without a smile of her own, "Hi grandpa."

"Why the long face kiddo? It's Christmas and it looks like Santa definitely stopped by here," he says, looking around the living room filled with toys.

She shrugs her little shoulders and doesn't even look at him, but he's not having it.

"Jessie, what's wrong?" He asks her.

She looks at him now and her eyes glaze over with more tears.

"Daddy left," she tells him.

I can see by the look on Hank's face that it all clicks for him then.

"I know you miss him," he says to her and she nods.

"Yeah, I do. Daddy said he has to find a new house and that he can't stay with me and mommy anymore. I drew him a picture, but he left before I could give it to him."

She gets off the couch and grabs the drawing from the coffee table where I placed it earlier, and hands it to Hank.

He smiles as he looks it over, "Daddy, Jessie, and Mommy. This is a really good drawing, munchkin."

"Thanks. Can you give it to him for me please? I don't want him to think Santa forgot about him. Ya know, since he's at Uncle Tony's now. He should have something for Christmas and I don't know when I'll get to see him."

He looks at me then back at her and offers a small smile while handing her the picture, "You should hang on to it. I'm sure you'll see him soon. And he'll like getting it from you much more than he would from your old grandpa."

She takes her drawing back from Hank and then is quiet again.

"What do you say we open some more presents, munchkin?"

I see a small smile form on her lips and she nods at him before placing her drawing back on top of the coffee table.

**XXX**

After opening presents with Hank, Jessie has gone to her bedroom and I put on a pot of coffee for him and me. It's a little after four in the afternoon, but I could use a pick me up and Hank drinks coffee all day. Sometimes I wonder if he even sleeps at all. I turn to face him once the coffee has finished brewing. He is sitting at the island with his hands crossed on the counter in front of him. He looks as if he is waiting for me to say something.

"What?" I finally ask him.

"So, Jay left."

I nod.

"What happened?"

I sigh, "He stayed the night, for Jessie, so he says, and then we got into a fight."

He looks at me with a look telling me to continue so I do. I tell him what happened the night before when we got back to my apartment. I tell him what happened the next morning. The fight. All the things that were said.

When I finish he asks, "Are you going to tell her?"

"I don't know," I tell him, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Do you think you should?"

"Yeah, when she's older. Not now when Jay is the only father she knows."

He nods in understanding. "You know he has a right to be upset, kid."

"I know and I don't blame him for being angry with me. If I were him I would be mad too."

"Then what are you going to do next? Because the way things are right now isn't good for anyone. If he's getting his own place, and with his transfer going through, that I know you know about because Kim told me she let it slip, you need to figure it out, Erin. I know you're hurting and I know he is too, but the one who is going to suffer the most is her." He points over his shoulder before taking a sip of coffee from the mug in front of him.

"You're telling me what I already know, Hank."

"So it's Hank now, huh? I must be hitting a nerve then. Is this about the transfer?"

I stand with one hand on my hip, elbow bent and my other hand holding the counter's edge.

"Why didn't he tell me? And why is he doing this? He doesn't have to leave, he loves Intelligence."

"And he loves you too, but he just can't be around you right now. He needs his space. I'm giving it to him. I told him his spot in Intelligence is his to have back whenever he wants it, if he wants it."

"Just like that?" I wonder.

"Jay is a good detective, Erin. Hell, a great detective. And he's an even better man. Regardless of how much I love you, I've come to love him too. He's become a son to me. It is what it is, I choose no sides."

"I never would have thought you of all people would be so team Halstead."

He smirks at me, "Well, you didn't leave me much of a choice when you finally told me, now did you?"

I smile then, remembering the day I told him I was pregnant.

**XXX**

_I'm sitting at my desk at the district. It's a little after five and only Jay and myself remain except for Hank, who is sitting in his office. _

_I let out a sigh before shutting down my computer and putting away a few case files. _

_I look up to see Jay sitting across from me packing up as well. _

_Our eyes meet and he smiles at me, causing me to smile in return and then he nods in the direction of Hank's office. _

_I groan and stand, knowing I have to tell him. _

_"Just like a band aid, Erin."_

_I hear Jay's hushed words and turn to look at him, "Easy for you to say."_

_He's up then and standing in front of me. His hands are on my shoulders, squeezing gently. "You want me to come in with you?" _

_I consider it for a moment before shaking my head. "This has to be me."_

_My eyes look into his and I want to kiss him right there. _

_"We can do it together," he says quietly. _

_"I appreciate that, but I have to do this alone."_

_He nods in understanding and before I can stop him, his lips are on mine. It is the sweetest of kisses and it is over too soon for my liking. _

_"You are asking for a death wish Halstead," I tease, glancing towards Hank's office. Luckily, he is on the phone and not paying attention to what is happening out here in the pen. _

_I look back at Jay and he gives me that damn smirk I can never resist then leans forward to peck me on the lips once more. _

_"I'll be out here if you need me."_

_"I always need you." _

_He smiles at me and lets me go, and I turn to walk to the closed door of Hank's office. I knock twice. He looks up and waves me in and I enter, closing the door behind me. I take a seat in front of him just as he hangs up the phone and sits back in his chair, arms crossed. _

_"You did good today, kid," he tells me with a proud smile, referring to the huge bust we had earlier this afternoon and the guy I tackled down who was three times my size. _

_"Thanks. Um, I have to talk to you about something."_

_I swallow a lump in my throat and take a deep breath as he sits silently, waiting for me to continue. _

_I take another quick breath, remembering Halstead's words, 'Like a band aid' and I just let it out._

_"I'm pregnant."_

_He stays silent for a moment, taking it in._

_I see him glance over my shoulder then back at me._

_"If the next words out of your mouth are its Jay's, he's going for a swim in the lake."_

_"Wouldn't he be the better option over me telling you I don't know whose it is?"_

_He looks confused, "What?"_

_I shake my head, ignoring his question, "That's not all."_

_"What else could there be?"_

_"Jay isn't the father, but he and I have sort of been, well, seeing each other. Well, we're sort of together."_

_He is up and out of his chair in seconds and coming around his desk, but I move quicker expecting this reaction from him and stand between him and his office door. _

_"Wait," I put my hands on his chest to keep him from moving, "Let me explain."_

_He takes a step back and crosses his arms once more, "You have thirty seconds and then I kill him."_

_I look him in the eye as I tell him, "We broke your rules months ago. Neither of us could deny what we were feeling and it just happened. When he told me he wanted to be more than what we were doing and asked me if we could tell you, I freaked out and ended things. I was scared of what you would do and scared of committing to him. I went out drinking at Mollie's and took some guy home. When I found out I was pregnant I was hoping more than anything it was from Jay, but when I went to the doctor they told me the possible dates of conception and it's not his. I don't even remember the name of the guy or have a number, but it's not Jay's."_

_He lets out such a deep sigh and I know he's more disappointed than angry and I feel disgusted with myself. His arms drop to his aides and he turns around to sit back down in his chair. _

_He sighs again and rubs his hands over his face. _

"_But you have been sleeping with him? After what I have said multiple times about in-house romance happening in my unit."_

"_It didn't happen until I left to try things with the Feds. When I came back, we tried to follow your rules, but we couldn't. I'm sorry."_

"_Since the Feds? You're telling me the two of you have been sneaking around here for nearly a year? And I didn't know about it?"_

_I nod, "When it started while I was with the Feds it was easy. When I came back to District 21, our skill of professionalism was definitely put to the test, but we handled it. The only other person that knows everything is Nadia, and that's only because she was still living with me when it started. No one else knows. About Jay and I, or the baby, or any of it."_

"_Is there anything else?" He asks me with a raised tone of his voice._

_I swallow, "Yes."_

_He sighs, "Well, out with it then."_

_"Jay isn't the father biologically, but," I breathe in as tears fill my eyes, "But he still wants to be with me. For some reason he still wants me. He wants to help me with the baby and I would really like for you to be okay with this because I can't do this without him, or without you, dad."_

_He closes his eyes as I say this, and it only takes him a single moment before he's out of his chair again and walking towards me. He reaches me within seconds and pulls me into him, hugging me tightly. My arms go around him and my face is in his neck and I know he can feel my tears because he squeezes me just a bit tighter. _

_When he pulls away minutes later he cradles my face in his hands and places a kiss on my forehead. _

"_I'm going to be a grandpa again."_

_He smiles and I know he's thinking of Justin and Olive's little boy. _

"_Yeah, you are," I tell him, smiling back._

_He pulls me in for another hug and when he pulls away I notice him looking past me. I turn, and his line of vision leads me to Jay who is sitting at his desk reading the sports section of the Sun Times newspaper. _

"_So, you and Halstead huh?" _

_I nod, "Please don't kill him."_

_He lets out a small laugh, "As long as he doesn't screw up, I won't kill him."_

_I smile again, beyond relieved that as shitty as the situation is that I've gotten myself into I've still got Jay and I still have Hank._

"_It's late," he tells me, "Let's get out of here."_

_He grabs his jacket off the rack and opens the door for me. I step out and Jay looks up from the newspaper. When he sees Hank he immediately stands facing us both. His face is priceless, he looks so nervous._

_Hank walk pasts me then, stands in front of him. I see Jay swallow hard and he stands tall like he is waiting to be hit, anticipating a blow to the face. I have to stifle a laugh._

_But then Hank does something neither of us were expecting. He extends an arm out, palm open, to Jay and looks him straight in the eye. Jay returns the gesture quickly and the two men shake hands, a silent understanding between the both of them and then Hank smiles._

_It is right then as I look between the two most important men in my life that I think everything is going to be alright. That we all will be okay._

**XXX**

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up and see Hank standing next to me, looking at me with concerned eyes.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," I tell him, "I was just thinking about the day I told you I was pregnant."

He smiles, "You dropped one hell of a bomb, kid."

"Yeah, I did. You know, I don't think I ever thanked you for that night. For being so understanding. For accepting what was. For accepting Jay. Us."

"Like I said, you didn't really leave me any alternative. Besides, Jay's a good man."

"Yeah," I nod, "He is."

Hank pulls his hand away and instead wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in for a side hug.

"Hey, don't worry," I hear him say as I wrap my own arm around his waist, "Things will get better. It will be okay."

I nod into him from inside his grasp, "I hope so."

"It will be," he assures me, "Jay loves you and Jess. Blood or not, that is his kid. And have you ever seen the way that guy looks at you? It's how I used to look at Camille. He'll be back. Just gotta give him some time to heal himself up."

I nod because it's all I can do or I'll start crying again. I just want my family back.

"I've been wondering something," he tells me.

I lift my head to look at him, "What's that?"

"When he asked you to marry him, what made you say no?"

I freeze. No one has had the balls to ask me that question, not even Jay himself, and of course the one person that does is Hank Voight. But even now, months later, I still do not have a solid answer.

"I don't know," I tell him.

"Gotta be a reason. I know how much you love him, even though I know you'll deny it, but it wouldn't be upsetting you this much if you didn't."

"Guess I just got scared."

"Scared of what? The two of you have been playing house, being with one another on and off five years now. What's so scary about being with the person you love?"

"I guess a part of me is still freaked out by it. You know, that he's not Jessie's birth father. What's keeping him around? He's said he loves me and he says he loves her, but I just don't get it. What makes us so special?"

Hank sighs and pulls away a bit to look me in the eyes.

"I can't say the moment it happened because I don't know for sure, but somewhere along the lines of you flirting and bossing him around, Jay fell for you and he fell hard. And whether or not you feel the same about him as he does you, that is your business and that's for you to decide. But whichever way you look at it, however scared you may be, that man is in love with you. So while you're thinking everything through and deciding on what you have to do, I want you to keep that in mind. That his feelings still matter in all of this just as much as yours does."

It is quiet then, neither of us says anything for some time, but when I finally speak, I look him in the eye. I've never been able to lie to him and he knows this.

"I do love him."

My voice is affirmative. Definitive. And Hank smiles at me.

"I already knew that. Tell him."

"But what if it's too late, dad? I really hurt him. I pushed him away. I-"

"You want Jay back?"

I nod.

"And you love him?"

I nod again. Where is he going with this?

"Then tell him."

He says these words to me like it is so easy to do, but then I think, what if it is?


	7. Chapter 7

A nice, long chapter for you lovely readers. There is so P.O.V. change throughout the chapter, so be sure to pay attention. Also, I apologize for any mistakes or grammatical errors. Enjoy the chapter!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

I haven't seen Jay since Christmas and neither has Jessie. He's only called twice to talk to her, but they were short calls, telling her he loved his little J and he would see her soon. Each time she gave me back my phone she had this unreadable expression on her face. And both times I tried to talk to him, only to have him cut me off, tell me he has to go. End of conversation.

He really wants nothing more to do with me. I came to that conclusion once he hung up after the second phone call. That was over a week ago.

I rang in my new year with Jessie asleep next to me on the couch. She made it until ten and crashed, and I barely held on to watch the ball drop on television.

It's the following Monday, back to work. I wonder if he will be there or if the transfer finished going through. Probably not with the holidays, and not with my luck, but a part of me hopes so. Because every time I see him my heart breaks all over again and it hurts a little bit more each time.

"Mommy?"

I turn from standing in front of my closet to see my girl in the doorway with her Dora backpack over her shoulders. She's got her shoes on along with her jacket and she is ready to go.

"Yeah, baby?"

She walks into my room and stands at the end of my bed, wrapping a little arm around the bed post.

"Can you do something for me?"

"I would do anything for you," I tell her, stepping towards her then leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

I see the smallest of smiles appear, and then it's gone.

She pulls her backpack off and unzips it, pulling out a folded piece of paper that she then hands to me. I know what it is before I even open it.

"Will you give it to him for me?"

Her voice is soft and timid, and I notice she doesn't say daddy like she normally would. She hasn't asked for him or asked where he is, as if she is almost afraid to because the only thing she knows is that he isn't here with her. I kneel in front of her, opening the folded up construction paper and I smile as I look over her Christmas picture again. Then I feel the pang in my chest because of how heartbroken my little girl is and how there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I look back at my girl and give another wider smile, "Of course I will."

**XXX**

By the time I drop Jessie off to her kindergarten class and arrive at the district it's a little after eight and I'm a bit early, but oh well.

When I get to the top of the entry way stairs Platt gives me a warm smile and I return it with a nod. I go about my usual routine, up the staircase, prints, code, gate, and more stairs. When I reach the bullpen, I am surprised to see that Jay is already at his desk, eyes on the screen of his computer. I can feel them move on to me as I walk past him. I pull my jacket off and toss it over the back of my chair, then sit at my own desk. My heart is pounding and aching together at the same time. I miss him.

I see the door to Hank's office is closed, but he is sitting in his chair and he is on the phone. With whom, this early in the morning, I couldn't even guess.

It's quiet. Jay and I are the only ones in the pen. But the silence is suffocating and I guess he thinks so too because within minutes he is out of his chair and heading for the break room.

I follow him with sad hazel greens and then remember the half-folded paper in my jacket pocket. I reach into the pocket of my jacket hanging off the back of my chair. I take out Jessie's picture, staring down at the folded thing and it is right then that I come to the conclusion that this isn't worth it.

All I can think of is the fight with Jay from Christmas day and how none of this is fair to him or Jessie. He is right. I need to tell her. And I know as soon as I do, I'll have lost Jay completely and I'll lose part of my daughter along with it, but I have to do it.

I stand from my chair, folding the picture in my hands in half once more so that it will fit into the back pocket of my jeans. I give a quick glance to Hank's office; he is still on the phone.

I take a deep breath and then exhale before making my way to the break room. When I reach the doorway I see Jay in front of the counter at the coffee pot; of course.

"Hey," I offer a small smile as I walk towards him.

He brings a mug of coffee to his lips and takes another sip before he turns to look at me. He tries to smile, but all I see is sadness in his blue eyes and he looks like he hasn't slept in days. That makes two of us. It's a cliché, but I always did sleep better throughout the night with him lying next to me. I wonder if that's how it is for him as well.

"Hi," his voice sounds like he looks.

I take another step towards him to get a cup of coffee for myself, but he beats me to it and pours a mug for me. He slides it down the counter to me after dropping some sugar into it, and offers another dejected smile.

"Thanks," I say quietly.

He nods in reply and steps around me to exit the room, but I reach an arm out to grab his shoulder, "Wait."

He stops mid step and turns back around to face me. I pull my hand back and he waits for me to speak.

"I heard about your transfer. Homicide, huh?"

He sighs when I say the words, but he responds, "Yeah, figured the change would be good for me."

"Change of department or change of partner?" I question.

He doesn't answer the question, just remains silent so I ask, "Were you going to say goodbye? Were you even going to tell me?"

He shakes his head then, "I wasn't planning on it."

I appreciate the honesty, but that hurt. The way he acts so casual about it all, like it doesn't even faze him.

I let out a breath, "Alright then."

I ignore the stinging that still resides in my chest and reach into my jeans pocket. I pull out Jessie's picture and stare at it for a few seconds before handing it over to him.

"It's from Jessie. What she went back into her room for on Christmas for; she drew you a picture. I told her I would give it to you," I watch him as he sets his coffee down and unfolds the paper in his hands. He stares at it, a smile tugging away at the corners of his mouth. I swear I see tears in his eyes and it tugs my heart just a bit tighter.

"I also wanted to apologize to you," I continue and he looks up at me, "What I said to you on Christmas - I was out of line and you were right. You were right about everything."

I grip the back of my neck with one hand, and then run my other through my hair. This is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated, but I have to do it.

"Everything that has happened and everything that is still going on isn't fair to her or you. You were right," I tell him once more, "I have to tell her, and I'm going to tonight. I wanted you to know that you are officially relieved of daddy duty. You're off the hook."

I force a smile, trying to joke about it and play it off, but the way my voice cracks and how I stumble over the word daddy makes the reality of the situation much more painful. It doesn't help that I've got tears in my eyes and at the moment, all I want to do is crawl into a corner and let them fall.

He doesn't say anything, just stares at me with a slight look of bewilderment in his eyes that I can't quite figure out.

Minutes pass and he nods slowly. He opens his mouth to speak, but all he lets out is a whispered, "Okay."

He looks like I've just punched him in the stomach yet again, but he doesn't say anything else. He just holds Jessie's picture tightly in his left hand, grabs his coffee from the countertop with his right, and walks out of the room.

I follow moments later having pulled myself somewhat together. I still feel miserable, but at least he knows I'm doing what he asked. He wants out, and I'm giving it to him.

When I'm sitting in the chair back at my desk I realize the others have arrived. Ruzek is leaning against Olinksy's desk. Nadia is at her own on the phone. Voight is still on his in his office with the door closed. Atwater and Burgess are talking about some court hearing coming up for a previous case and when I look at her, it actually puts a real smile on my face. It seems something good did come out of me being with Jay; it got Voight to loosen the reigns. He made the exception for me and Jay and I was able to convince him to do the same for Kim and Adam. And here we are five years later, they're still going strong and they're both in the fields of employment they want to be in without consequence.

Why can't my life be so well put together? Does everyone have their shit figured out, but me?

I let out a quiet sigh as I power up the computer in front of me. That's when I see Dawson sitting on the edge of Jay's desk.

Their talking in hushed voices and the only thing I catch is on Dawson's end when he stands up straight, "We'll talk about it tonight after shift. Mollie's, alright?"

I see Jay nod in reply and go back to his computer while Antonio makes his way to his own desk.

It's tense and quiet in the pen and then Voight comes out of his office.

"Alright gang. New case."

He goes over the details of a couple of low level gangs and then says something about bad batches of dope that have been killing kids with one hit. He posts some photos up on the board behind him. A scrawny white guy with a goatee and two dark skinned guys with a lot of muscle, brothers. I recognize one of the muscle heads and tell Voight I'll reach out to a C.I. of mine.

He nods at me, but then looks to Jay, "Halstead, go with her."

I look at Voight with a glare in my eyes, but he doesn't even seem fazed. I see Jay nod in Voight's direction, but he doesn't say anything. He just stands from his chair, grabs his jacket, and then he's in front of me.

"Let's go," he says it so nonchalant that I almost forget all of the shit going on between us outside of these four walls, but then I remember we always were good at the whole being professional thing. And just like that our personal problems are on the back burner and Jay and I are off to catch another bad guy.

**XXX**

By the end of the day, the case has been closed. My C.I. pulled through and led us to the muscle heads, one of which pulled a gun on us which then led us to pull ours on both of them. When the one with the gun made a move towards me, Halstead moved towards him and shot him clean in the shoulder. He got carried off by Brett and Mills in an ambo to Northwestern Memorial and his brother came with us to sit in the cage. Less than ten minutes with Voight and the guy started singing like a bird, giving up scrawny goatee guy.

It's a little after six in the evening now. Voight left about an hour ago to get Jessie from the after school sitter so I could finish up my paperwork. He is supposed to drop her off at my apartment around seven, so I hurry to get this last sheet done for the casefile.

Once I finally finis, I shut down the computer and put the files away in my desk. I stand up from my chair and pull my jacket on, pulling my keys from my pocket.

"Have a good night guys," I call out to the team as I start for the stairs, but I hear Ruzek call me back.

"Lindsay, no Mollie's with us?"

I turn back to Adam and give him a small smile, while taking note of how Jay seems to be paying more attention to mine and Ruzek's conversation than the file in his hands. He seems nervous almost, but I know he's meeting with Antonio and I won't make his after work time awkward for him. Besides, he already knows what I'm doing tonight. I have a conversation to have with my girl, and as much as I want to, I can't put it off any longer.

"I'd love to, but Voight is going to be dropping Jess off at mine in about an hour so, I gotta go. Maybe some other time," I nod in his direction and turn to continue on my way.

I say a quick goodbye to Platt as I pass her downstairs and walk out to my car to head on home.

**XXX**

_**Jay's P.O.V.**_

For it being a Monday evening, there is quite a large crowd at Mollie's when I walk in the door about 6:30. I quickly spot Antonio amidst the many faces and make my way over to his table. He nods at me in a silent greeting and I offer him a small smile as I take a seat across from him.

"What's going on, man?" He asks me.

I shake my head, "I need a drink a first."

He laughs, and waves over a waitress and within minutes I'm downing a brew and ordering another.

Dawson looks at me with raised eyebrows, "So? Ya gonna tell me what's up or not? Earlier in the pen you looked like somebody backed over your dog and now you're knocking back drinks like it's New Year's all over again."

The waitress drops by with another round of beers and I take a large gulp of mine while Dawson sips at his, and I tell him.

"She's telling Jessie."

His eyes go wide at the information.

"You mean, she's telling Jessie, as in she is _telling_ Jessie?"

"That's what I said," I gripe back.

"But I thought that was what you wanted."

I let out a deep sigh, taking another gulp of my beer before telling him, "I don't know what I want anymore. I thought it was Jessie knowing the truth. But as much as I'm still pissed at Erin, this isn't Jess' fault. This is between me and her mom, not her and me."

Dawson nods in understanding, having been in the same predicament with his ex-wife he knows all too well about what I'm going through.

I take another swig from my glass, finishing it and order another from a passing waitress.

I then reach into the back pocket of my jeans, and pull the picture out that I have been carrying around with me all day. I unfold it and glance at it again before handing it over to show Antonio as a beer is placed in front of me.

"What's this?" He asks, looking over the paper in front of him while I drink my third beer.

"Jessie drew it for me on Christmas day. And then I fucking left her and haven't gone to see her since. Great fucking father, right?" I down the rest of my beer and signal the waitress for another.

"So what? You messed up. We all make mistakes Halstead, but that little girl loves you and what's more is that you love her. Stop beating yourself up over it and fix it."

He ends his rant just as the waitress slides another beer in front of me. I reach for it, but it's taken away by Antonio.

"What?" I snap at him.

He holds up the tall glass of foaming brew in front of him, but keeps it out of my reach, "This? This isn't going to help you."

"But this?" He says, handing me back the picture from my girl, "This will help you. So fix it. And stop drinking so damn much, you'll kill yourself."

I smile at his antics and take back the piece of paper he holds out for me.

"How do I fix it? She's telling Jessie. She's doing what I asked her to do. It's too late."

Antonio shakes his head at me seeming amused, "She's only telling Jessie because she thinks it's what you want. But you don't. You're an idiot. That woman would ask how high if you told her to jump."

I laugh then because like hell she would, "Actually, she'd tell me to fuck off."

He glares at me, "You know what I meant, Jay. She'd do practically anything for you to make you happy, if it was what she thought you really wanted."

"She'll do anything except marry me."

Antonio shuts up then, and I feel bad because I know the guy is only trying to make me feel better, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't still upset about her rejecting me. In all the ways that mattered most. As her partner. As her husband. As Jessie's father. It's as if she had told me, nope, sorry, you're just not good enough.

"I'm sorry, man," Antonio says quietly.

I shake my head at him, shrugging it off, "Relationships have always freaked her out, doesn't matter if we were practically already in one for five years."

"I'm still sorry. It's a shitty situation for anyone to be in, let alone you. You're a good guy, Halstead. I don't know of too many guys that would have done what you did when you found out she was pregnant with another dude's kid. You really stepped up to the plate, ya know. It's no wonder Voight thinks the sun shines out your ass now."

I laugh then because it's actually true. The day Erin told Voight she was pregnant and told him about us was the day everything seriously changed. Since then I would consider Voight to be like a father to me. The last few months he's really been there for me. If you had told me how close we would become when I first started in Intelligence, I would have laughed you right out of the district. Now, with this mess between Erin and me, I don't know what the hell I would do without the bastard.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when Antonio snaps his fingers in front of me.

"Halstead?"

"Yeah, sorry."

He waves it off, "Did you hear what I said?"

I shake my head at him.

"I asked you what you're gonna do? Because sitting in a crowded bar isn't going to help solve any of your problems."

All I can do is shrug my shoulders because I honestly have no fucking idea.

"Alright, how about this one. What do you want?"

"Huh?" I ask him.

He rolls his eyes, "What. Do. You. Want?"

I sigh. What do I want? I want my girl back. Both of them. I want my family.

It's as if Dawson is reading my mind because he moves to stand in front of me and claps me on the shoulder.

He smiles, "Go get 'em."

**XXX**

_**Erin's P.O.V.**_

By the time Voight has left my apartment, and I've given Jessie her bath it's nearing eight o'clock which means I've prolonged the inevitable long enough.

I watch her from the open door of her bedroom. Still damp curls hang around her shoulders while she reads to herself and I smile. She is so smart and beautiful and I could stare at her for hours, but I'm pretty sure I already have. When she was a baby I would just watch her sleep.

I push myself from the doorway and walk towards her bed. She's in her favorite Dora pajamas and already tucked in under covers.

"Hey baby," I say to her as I take a seat on the edge of her bed.

"Hi mommy," she says back, looking up from her Goodnight Moon book.

The look in her eyes makes me wanna run away and not do what I'm about to do. She's just a baby and I feel sick to my stomach knowing I am about to destroy everything she has ever known. But I don't have a choice. This is what Jay wants.

"Can we talk for a sec, baby?" I ask her.

She nods and closes her book, putting it on her nightstand. I lean forward a bit to hold both her tiny hands in mine and I don't know where to begin so I just start talking while she looks up at me with bright, inquisitive blue eyes.

"You know how some families have a mommy and a daddy, and some only have a mommy and others might only have a daddy?"

She nods, "And some have two mommies and some have two daddies."

I smile sadly at her, "That's right. And sometimes things happen that can make a mommy or a daddy have to leave and you don't get to see them for a while. Sometimes you can lose a mommy or a daddy. Do you kind of understand what I mean?"

She looks down at our hands and then back up at me, and in a split second I see her entire world crash down through her eyes. As if what I'm trying to say to her has just clicked. Like a light has been switched on. Right then I feel my heart leave my chest and all I want to do is hold her tight to me and never, ever let her go.

"I think so," she speaks so quietly as she looks back down at our hands. I barely hear her when she speaks again, "Like when you lose one sock and you can never seem to find it again."

I feel my own tears fill my eyes as I look at my little girl and I hate myself more than I ever thought possible. I'm supposed to protect her from being hurt, not be the cause of her pain.

I nod my head at her through my tears, "That's exactly right, baby."

"Did I lose daddy?"

I want to tell her no, that she still has her daddy, but I can't lie to her. Instead I open my mouth to tell her what I've been avoiding, but I'm cut off by an obnoxiously loud knock sounding from the living room.

I glance at the clock, then at the open bedroom door.

Talk about horrible timing. I'll kill whoever is on the other side of the door.

I look back at Jessie who is waiting for my answer, but who also looks scared to receive one.

"Hang on baby."

I stand from her bed and go to leave her room, but she stops me, "Did I lose daddy, mommy?"

I turn back to face her and force a small smile, "Finish your book baby. I'll be right back."

I walk quickly to the foyer and ignore the peephole as I swing the door open to see a very out of breath, Jay Halstead standing in front of me.

"Jay?"

He is seriously panting so hard trying to regain some semblance of a steady breath.

"Erin," he's gasping, but keeps going, "Don't tell her."

I nearly stop breathing myself, "What?"

"Don't tell her," he says again.

I want to ask him if this is some cruel joke, but I don't.

"I was just in the middle of doing that actually. I think you're a too little late."

His eyes drop, "Please, don't."

I shake my head at him, a bit confused and becoming annoyed, "I thought that was what you wanted. I'm doing what you asked and now you've changed your mind."

"I was wrong," he tells me, somewhat able to speak normally again, "I was wrong and I just ran six blocks because Dawson wouldn't let me drive, and then proceeded to run up three flights of stairs because your damn elevator is still broken. I'm her father. I'm her daddy, Erin. Please don't tell her anything else except that."

I'm honestly speechless. So speechless and annoyed, but so happy that this man is standing in front of me.

I'm not sure what I can say because I know he's only here for Jessie, but that's more than enough for me. So instead I say to him the only thing I can think of to say, "You're late for bedtime."

And he smiles that dorky Jay Halstead smile that I love. I pull the door open a bit wider and move so he can enter. When he does, I close the door and lock it behind him because he's not going anywhere.

"Come on," I tell him, nodding to the hallway. I lead him through the living room and down the hall from where I've just come from. I peek inside my girl's bedroom and there she is, still sitting in her bed reading away. I smile, seeing the sight again, as if the last fifteen or so minutes haven't even happened.

"Hey Jess," I call to her just as Jay comes to stand next to me.

She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, but then smiles so wide when she sees I'm not alone.

"Daddy!"

"Jessie!"

She's out of her bed quicker than lightening and in his arms and the sight of it makes me want to cry fat, happy tears. Her arms hang onto him for dear life, as his arms do the same once wrapped around her tiny frame.

"Did you get my picture?" I hear her ask him a moment later as he sets her back into her bed and under covers.

He smiles at her, "I did and I love it. Can you draw me another one when you wake up tomorrow?"

She nods, "I'll have mommy give it to you."

"You can give it to me yourself because I'll be here."

"But I thought I was losing you, like my socks."

I see a look of confusion cross his face so I step in.

I clear my throat and then call out to him, "In the middle of, remember?"

He turns to look at me, getting what I mean and looks back at the little girl in front of him.

"Ya know that's my fault little J. I thought I was going to have to go somewhere far away for work and I told mommy about it before I knew for sure. But I'm not going anymore. I'm not going anywhere."

I don't even care that he just lied to her, I wanna kiss him.

My baby girl has a big smile on her face and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

"So you're not leaving again?" She asks him.

He shakes his head, "Nope."

She holds her pinky out to him. "You promise?"

He smiles, twining her tiny pinky with his larger one, "I pinky swear."

My girl smiles even bigger because she knows all about pink promises – you never break them.

She suddenly crinkles her nose and furrows her brows, "Daddy?"

"Yeah, little J?"

"Why are you so sweaty?"

He smiles at her, "Because daddy is a big dummy and should have been here to read to you before bed. So I ran all the way here."

Her brows deepen, "You must be a big, big dummy then because you missed bedtime all week!"

I laugh then from my place in the doorway, not able to hold it in and Jay turns to stick his tongue out at me. It almost feels the way it used to. Almost.

"You can read to me now," Jessie tells him like the little diva she is, handing him the book in her lap.

Jay chuckles then, before moving to sit against the headboard of the twin size bed. Jessie cuddles into his side and under the covers as he flips open the book to the beginning.

"Hang on," I call out to them, making my way to the bed. I lean over and kiss my girl on her forehead, "Night baby. I love you."

I go to move, but she grabs one of my hands, "Mommy, stay with us."

My heart leaps into my throat, "No, daddy is going to read to you until you fall asleep. I'll be in my room, okay?"

She's not having it though and stares up at me with those big blue eyes, "Please stay, mommy?"

I smile sadly at her and am about to protest further when I hear Jay speak, "Yeah, mommy. Stay with us. This bed can be big enough for three."

I raise an eyebrow at him curiously, but all he does is hold tight to Jessie before moving deeper into the bed.

He looks up at me again and holds his free arm out, inviting me in. And I take it. I climb in next to him and he drops his arm around my shoulder while Jessie stays glued to his other side. He starts reading, and before I know it, I'm asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

I want to apologize for the delay in updating. I hope you like this one.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

**XXX**

I know it is early when I wake the following morning because no sunlight peeks through the shades. I stretch in my bed and turn to catch the time. It is barely six o'clock.

I sit up in my bed, leaning back against the headboard and the previous night comes back to me.

How did I get in my bed? Did Jay put me in here?

I glance to the other side of my bed to find it undisturbed. Of course he wouldn't have slept in the bed with me.

But where is he? Did he leave?

I swing my legs over the side of my bed and stand. The hardwood floor chills my bare feet as I walk across it in cotton pajama shorts and a camisole. I walk through the open door and down the hall to my girl's room. I peek in and I smile when I see her snuggled under her covers still asleep. I close the door to her room quietly as to not wake her then turn back down the hallway. I hear faint voices as I get closer to the living room, and once I finally reach it I see Jay sitting on the couch in front of the television.

I smile. He stayed. He kept his promise.

I walk towards him with a lingering smile and arms crossed.

"Can I sit?" I whisper to him, not wanting to wake Jessie this early.

He looks up at me and nods, and I sit down at the other end of the couch. My legs cross like a pretzel and my hands rest in my lap. We both keep our eyes on the television; an old episode of How I Met Your Mother is playing.

I see him move out of the corner of my eye and turn to him. He has moved to sit closer to me, the blanket over his lap now covering the both of us.

"Goosebumps," he mumbles.

I look down at my arms. I hadn't even realized I was cold. I smile at him.

It's quiet again until I speak. "I thought you left."

He shakes his head.

"I'm guessing you're the reason I woke up in my own bed then. Thank you."

He offers a smile, "You're welcome."

It is silent then. Somewhat comfortable, but still stifling as his eyes go back to the television and mine stay on him. He looks tired, his eyes seem heavy, and the expression he carries on his face reminds me of the day I broke him and I want to fix it.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?"

He pulls his eyes from the television in front of us and sets them on me. He lets out a sigh, "Is there really anything left to talk about?"

"I think so," I tell him.

He sighs again. As if he doesn't want to have the conversation at all. As if he already knows how it is going to end. With me repeating the words I spoke to him months ago. Words I didn't mean, but words I still said. I wish with everything in me that I could take them back.

He hesitates just a second before he nods at me. His wordless response tells me to speak my mind.

I know this conversation can go a multiple of ways, but it still needs to be had.

I take a deep breath, let it out, and look him in the eyes, "I know I have already said it, but I need to tell you again how sorry I am. For everything."

I reach for his hand, hoping he doesn't pull away and I want to smile when he doesn't, but I don't. Instead, I continue.

"I know I hurt you and I wish I could take it all back because I was stupid. What I did and said. What I didn't do or say. You are her father, Jay. It doesn't matter that it isn't by blood because you are her daddy in all the ways that matter most. And I ruined it and almost took that from the both of you and I am so sorry."

He has tears in his eyes. In the more than seven years I have known him I have only ever see him cry a handful of times. When I told him I was pregnant with a baby that was not his. When Jessie was born. When she said dada for the first time. When he got down on one knee in front of me and I told him no.

I feel like a monster.

He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands, sniffs a couple of times before he says to me, "Yeah, you almost did."

My stomach drops, but then he follows with, "But you didn't. I'm still here, Erin. I'm still here for her."

He squeezes my hand just a tiny bit and it makes my heart flutter.

But I have to ask because I'm curious and a bit of a masochist, "Just her?"

A long sigh escapes him. And I think he's about to answer, but when he speaks he ignores my question completely and instead surprises me, yet again.

"You know something; I didn't even want kids before I met you. You know how my dad was barely around – always working. Never paid any real attention to me or my mom. I never really saw him as a nice guy and I didn't want to be like him. I finished high school, joined the army, and became a ranger. I saw some of the most horrifying things a person should never have to witness. When I finished my second tour in Kabul and finally got out, I started at the academy and that was when I decided I didn't want to ever have children. I didn't want them to ever grow up and experience what I did as a kid. I didn't want them to have to possibly see the things I've seen. Then I got hurt during that undercover gig, started up in Intelligence and I fell for you. Another thing I swore I would never do – have any sort of relations with a colleague. But I saw you that first day when Dawson brought me up. You shook my hand and smiled at me. I saw those dimples and the only thing I remember thinking is how beautiful our kids would be one day."

I notice the smile he tries to force, but he still has tears in his eyes while the ones in mine have long since fallen from hearing his words.

"Why didn't you ever tell me that before?" I wonder.

Jay shrugs it off as if it is not a big deal, but it absolutely is to me.

He tells me, "I didn't see the point."

I shake my head in disbelief. The sadness I feel is indescribable and I want to pull him to me. Instead I squeeze his hand and just above a whisper I say to him, "Our kids will be beautiful."

It is then that he shakes his own head. He pulls his hand from mine so quick and all I feel is cold.

"Don't do that," he tells me. His voice is sharp, but broken all the same.

"Do what?" I question. I can feel the bewilderment on my face.

"Don't say things like that to me, Erin."

His voice raises high, obviously upset with me.

"Jay-"

"No. Just – don't say things like that to me, okay?"

I nod and mumble, "Okay."

I hear him breathe deep again. He's at the far end of the couch now, feet resting on the floor. He sits with his elbows on his knees and runs his hands over his face tiredly.

I'm curious about before and even though I shouldn't press him I do so anyway. "But what about us, Jay?"

I look at him and see the wrinkle of his brows and the tense lock of his jaw.

"What about us?" he asks me.

"Are you really only here for Jessie?"

"I don't have a choice do i?" I can hear it in his voice how it seems more of a statement than a question, but I press on.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that there isn't really an us. Not anymore. Honestly, was there ever? We were so on and off, as if only when it was convenient for you, and we were raising Jessie. We had some nights of drunken debauchery and not so drunk nights that were absolutely wonderful, and then a denied marriage proposal given by one complete and utter fool."

"You're not a fool, Jay," I try to assure him, but he just shakes his head at me.

"Aren't I though?"

He is looking directly at me, almost seemingly straight through me.

It stays quiet for another moment before he stands from the couch. He walks back and forth in front of it, then raises an arm and rubs the back of his neck. He sighs again before he turns to face me, "Why'd you say no? I need to know the reason, Erin."

I think I stop breathing for a second. I should have known that question was coming. I try to think of an acceptable answer, but all I can do is think back to that night three months ago when he asked me such a simple question and I broke him with my answer.

**XXX**

_**Flashback – 3 months earlier, Erin's apartment, Erin P.O.V.**_

_It is a cool Friday night in Chicago. It is nearing the end of September with crisp air and changing leaves._

_It is just a little after six, I can smell dinner cooking, and Jessie is at Hank's for the night. He was kind enough to offer to watch my girl so Jay and I could have a night to ourselves. Especially with the week we have had at work. We had a huge bust in the middle of the day on Wednesday and have been dealing with paperwork ever since. To be able to have a solid break from both work and parenthood is so very needed and appreciated. _

_I've just changed into some sweats and a camisole before pulling Jay's black hoodie over my head. He should know by now that he will most likely never be getting this thing back again._

_I make my way out of the bedroom and down the hall in bare feet. Once I reach the kitchen I see Halstead over the stove stirring something over in a pan._

_I inhale the smell of food as I walk over to him, "Damn. Something smells delicious."_

_I see a smile on his lips before he looks up at me, "I've got veggies frying up, baked chicken Marsala in the oven, and some salad on the table already."_

_I moan at the thought of real food, "One of my favorites, too."_

"_I know," he turns for the fridge then and seconds later turns back again to hand me an open beer, "And this of course."_

"_I've trained you well, house husband."_

_His smile widens and I tip my beer at him in salute before taking a long swig from the bottle. _

"_Go sit your butt down woman. Dinner's almost done," he tells me._

"_Bossy," I pout, but take my beer to sit at the table in the small dining room of my apartment._

_I hear his laugh from the kitchen, and then he calls to me, "No, that would be you. Miss still-won't-let-me-drive."_

"_Not my fault you suck at it," I call back before taking another sip of my beer. _

_He comes out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of something and when he sets it down on the table I see it's the veggies he was talking about. He disappears into the kitchen again and comes back a moment later carrying a tray of the Marsala. It smells heavenly and looks wonderful and I am pretty sure I am drooling. _

_We make small talk while we eat; the only thing I can focus on is the delicious meal in front of me. We've been eating take-out all week and being able to eat real food right now is such a luxury at this point. _

_Despite the fact that we're eating dinner, Jay has been relatively quiet for most of the evening. At least since he got back from dropping Jess off at Hank's after work. _

_I swallow what's left of the food in my mouth, take a swig of beer and then look at him. _

"_Halstead?" _

"_Hmm?" he looks up at me from his nearly empty plate._

"_You alright?" _

_He nods, "Why wouldn't I be?"_

_I shrug my shoulders, "You've been quiet. That's weird for you."_

_He offers me a small smile before reaching for my hand. I give it to him and watch him bring it to his lips to kiss. _

"_I just have a lot on my mind," he tells me. _

_I kink an eyebrow at him, "Like what?"_

_I see him take a breath and then he squeezes my hand he still holds, "Like the surprise I have for you. I'm just worried you might not like it."_

"_I don't like surprises, Jay," I remind him, but I know he already knows that._

"_That's why I'm kind of nervous."_

_I smile at his boyish grin. "Well, when do I get this surprise?"_

"_As soon as you can sit on the couch," he tells me. _

_I take one last swig from the beer in front of me and then stand. I turn from the table and make my way to the living room with him on my heels. _

_I sit on the couch and he does the same. He looks at me with bright blue eyes and grins once more at me._

"_Close your eyes," he says, "Please."_

_I oblige and close them, now nervous myself. I keep my eyes shut tight as I feel the movement of him standing from the couch. I don't know where he's gone, but I hear the sound of a drawer opening and then closing a moment later. My eyes stay closed and then I sense him in front of me. _

_He reaches for my hand and kisses it softly again before releasing it. I smile at his touch and wait for his next move._

_Only a second passes before I hear him, "Open your eyes."_

_I do and my mouth falls open in shock. My eyes lock with Jay's and he only smiles. He is on one knee in front of me with a little black box sitting open in the palm of his hand. A ring sits perched upon black velvet with a Tiffany & Co. logo showing from the back of the box. It is flawless. A Novo half carat. White diamond. Cushion cut. All fire and spirit and style. It is dazzling. _

"_Jay?" His name is a whisper from my lips, but it's all I can say. _

_He smiles at me, and then plucks the ring from its box. He reaches for my hand, grasps it in his and slides the ring onto my left ring finger before he meets my tear filled eyes with his own. _

"_I know the past five years haven't been ideal," he begins and I stare at him, "I know what you've been through, but you haven't had to face it alone and I don't want you to. I want to be with you in every way. So, I'm asking for forever. I want to always be Jessie's daddy. I want our family. I want us. I love you and I love her more than I ever thought possible. Will you please marry me, Erin Lindsay?"_

_I am speechless. I would never have been expecting this to be my surprise. Ever. It makes sense though, now that I think about it. How quiet he's been. How nervous he was earlier. I probably could have pieced all of it together had I actually taken the time to think things through, but I hadn't. Now, here I am in front of this man who is in front of me on one knee asking me to spend the rest of our lives together. _

_Why haven't I said yes? _

"_Erin?" _

_I hear his voice, but I just need a minute. Just a minute to think. _

_Why do I have to think?_

_This should be simple. Say yes. Kiss. Probably have the best celebratory sex of my life. Marry the guy I love. Have more babies. Be happy._

_Why the hell haven't I said yes, yet?_

_His eyes stay on mine as I look between him and the ring he has slid onto my finger. It is absolutely beautiful and so is he and I feel the tears prick my eyes, but I just can't speak. _

_Can I really do this? Can I be someone's wife? _

"_Erin?"_

_I finally find my voice, but not much comes out. Just a couple stuttered incoherencies and I swallow a lump that forms at the very back of my throat. _

"_Just say yes, you goof," I hear him tell me. He stays knelt in front of me with an expectant and patient smile on his face. _

_I make my decision then. A decision I know I can't be selfish about for the sake of my own happiness. I have to think of Jessie and how this will affect her. Especially when it doesn't work out. I swallow another large lump in my throat. Everything is about to change. _

_I pull my hand out of his grasp and use the fingers of my other to twist the ring from my finger. I only notice then how perfect it fits, but I continue my motions and I hand it back to Jay. It's then that I look him in the eyes. The sparkling blue is gone, replaced by ocean grey, and I swear I see tears through my own. His smile has disappeared. I feel horrible for what I've already done to him. _

"_I can't do this, Jay," I tell him quietly._

_His brows furrow, perplexed, and his forehead wrinkles in following. _

"_What?" He asks me, as if he thinks he has heard me incorrectly. _

"_I can't marry you. Jessie isn't your responsibility. She's not your daughter, Jay. As much as we both want her to be she just isn't. It's not your responsibility to take care of us. It never has been and I'm sorry I've let it come this far. I can't ask you to do this for us."_

_He hesitates, already aware of what I'm doing; I can see it in his eyes. _

"_Erin, you're not asking. I am," he tells me as he tries to reach for my hand to place the ring back on my finger. _

_But I pull away from him before he can and shake my head at him._

"_I can't accept that from you. I can't marry you. I just can't," I tell him again, not able to look him in the eye. I look at my hands, my feet, and the floor. Anywhere except his eyes. _

"_Erin," he calls out to me. He sets the ring and its box on the floor, then takes both his hands and grabs hold of my face. His palms hold my cheeks on either side and he forces me to look at him with a gentle touch. _

_When I do, he smiles before leaning in to kiss me. His lips are soft and they move against mine in their usual perfected synch. I lift my arms to wrap around his shoulders, my fingers find the nape of his neck and I kiss him back because I'm sure it will be the last. _

_When we pull away from each other he rests his forehead against mine. He looks me in the eyes, places another quick kiss to my lips. _

"_Marry me," he says._

_I take a deep a breath and shake my head. He can do so much better than me._

"_No."_

_**End flashback**_

**XXX**

"Erin?"

I hear Jay call out to me as I come back to him in the present.

I can only look at him with sad eyes because I realize that the only real answer I have for him is that I am an idiot who was and still is scared shitless.

He only repeats his request, "I need to know the reason, Erin."

I shake my head then, "I don't really have one."

It's the truth, a stupid truth, but the truth none the less and it is all I can really give him.

"Why did you say no to me?" He asks again with an almost childlike voice, "Was I not good enough for you? Did the last five years we spent raising Jess together mean nothing to you? Because you had me under the impression that everything was fine. That you were happy. That you were happy with me. That we were a family. I mean, God, were you playing me this whole damn time?"

More tears fall from my eyes. He has it so wrong and he is so broken. How do I fix this? I whisper his name and he snaps.

"Stop saying my God damn name and tell me why you said no!"

And I snap back standing to face him.

"I don't know! I was stupid and scared and you were helping me raise a kid that wasn't yours. I thought you could do better than that. I didn't know what to say to you."

"Better than you?" he shakes his head, "You could have said yes, Erin. All you had to do was say yes to me."

"I should have," I tell him, throwing my hands in the air, "I should have pulled you up from that floor and kissed you, but instead I freaked myself out and got insecure again like I always do. Like I still am."

He looks at me with still sad eyes, as though he doesn't know what to say next.

Makes two of us.

I step towards him, reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. He doesn't pull away, but he does squeeze back. When I look at him I get that warm home-like feeling flood through my veins and can't help to smile.

I tug his hand toward me further and hold it in both my hands, tight so he can't run away like I did.

I swallow another lump and look up at him through still tear filled eyes. He looks back with the same in his.

"I should have said yes," I speak quietly, almost too quiet that I think he doesn't hear me, but when I see his eyes flutter closed for just a second and I know he did. His tears fall from his eyes; just a small few and I drop his hand from my grasp to reach up to his face. I wipe away his tears from under his eyes with the pads of my thumbs. He trembles under my touch when I do this and more so when I move my hands downward to hold his face.

He looks down at me from his almost six foot height, releasing a held in breath.

My eyes don't leave his as I keep his face in my hands while running a thumb over his cheek several times. I lean up and into him, on tip toes now and I feel his arms go around my waist holding me close.

"I should have said yes," I tell him again, quieter than the last time as our faces pull together like magnets.

I feel his breath hit my lips, just barely half an inch between us.

"Jay," a whisper, then my lips meet his. I feel his hands on my waistline, his lips on mine, burning me with every touch and yet I still want more. I push back and open my mouth to him, and his tongue meets mine within seconds.

Minutes go by like hours like days and I decide then and there that I could spend the rest of my life kissing this man and it would make me the happiest woman alive.

It doesn't cross my mind how long we've been standing in the middle of my living room, lips on lips, wrapped up in one another, until a bedroom door creaks open and I hear the scamper of little feet on the hardwood.

I feel Jay pull away from me just as Jessie enters the living room. Sleep fills her eyes, but a smile covers her face and it only widens when she sees Jay.

"Daddy! You stayed!"

She runs towards us, towards him and he scoops her up with strong arms. I raise a hand to my face, my lips sting with the taste of Jay and I bite my bottom lip to suppress a moan. My kid has horrible timing.

"I told you I would, didn't I?" he reminds her.

She nods excitedly and hugs him tight, then turns to me.

"Morning mommy!"

I can't help, but smile at her, "Morning baby."

I step forward to kiss her forehead and she lets out a giggle.

"What do you say you go get dressed and daddy will start on some breakfast, huh little J?" I hear Jay ask her.

"Okay," she runs off to her room as soon as Jay sets her back on the floor. A smile stuck on her face.

It's just the two of us again. No words. No touch. No nothing.

Oh, awkward silences.

I peek up at him through clouded eyes and see him looking at me with a smirk on his face.

"What?" I ask him.

"You kissed me," he tells me this as if I don't already know.

I roll my eyes at him, "You kissed me back."

"Yeah, I did," he says, taking a step towards me. My heart races in anticipation. In possibility.

He's standing over me again, smirk still on his face.

"I want to kiss you again," I admit.

He smiles then, "Well, right now I've got to go get breakfast started for our kid. But maybe later we can talk about that first one."

I can only smile and nod at his words because it is another step in the right direction. It is a step towards him.


End file.
